Archive for August, 2014

meaning of zero.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 22, 2014 by darryl zero

The universe does not care.

What you want, what you dream, what you deserve, even what you work for are completely immaterial. You think someone in Gaza wants to get bombed into oblivion for no reason? You think Black South Africans wanted to be violently oppressed in their own homeland? Do you think poor people want to be poor?

The world is complex, scary, and tilted in favor of certain people for no reason other than it is. Some people, myself included, are born already on-base. Some are born steps from home plate. Most are born in the batter’s box, staring down Randy Johnson in his prime, with only a chopstick for a bat.

There is no magic bullet, no secret to life. Some people get what they want, some what they need, many don’t get squat.

The only way to make life make your kind of sense is to catch it when it’s weak, grab it by the face, and force it to do what you tell it to, then pray your sense makes sense in the context of your surroundings.

Problem is, life is, as the song goes, often illusory, ephemeral, and completely intangible. How do you capture something without form or meaning? How do you communicate with something beyond your understanding? How do you make your agenda known to something beyond such petty things as agendas?

I often wonder if I am obsolete, an out-of-place contrarian who believes in order and accountability just as much as chaos and challenging authority, an overall deeply sad and angry man given so much energy by the things he loves. I refuse to let go of the sincerity and intensity that made my only happy years as such, and fear it may have made me useless in a disposable, digital, overproduced world.

Of all the people I know, I’m the only one that falls into absolutely no category. At the risk of sounding egotistical, no label truly fits me; even the labels I carry and proclaim slide off me under close enough analysis (well, except for human, cisgender, male, and heterosexual, I suppose, but those are less labels and more just…things). I always feel like I am merely biding my time, nudging my world toward some semblance of sense until I find the answers.

I’m only now starting to worry there are none.

Funny, how these things come to me as I am about to assume one hopefully-permanent (husband) and one absolutely-permanent role (father).

I just hope I don’t give up and slip back into some comfortable Christian bullshit.