Archive for June, 2014

a few moments.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2014 by darryl zero

The silvery sky, a two-hour drive behind me and the knowledge of more of the same work bullshit ahead and my brain keeps trying to force me back to sleep, the warmth of my dog and my fiancée both dream and memory even as the scrape of my sore throat burns me back to sober reality and I struggle to put feet in front of one another.

Another day.

8:14 (94)

Posted in eight fourteen with tags on June 14, 2014 by darryl zero

I find it funny that, for all the things I’ve been able to say, think, and do publicly, even professionally, that I’m still so governed by my own fears that the things I’ve always wanted to pursue have been the things I’ve been so reticent to chase.

Grad school was one of those things—I’d get part of the way down the journey toward it, applying, even starting work for it—then chicken out, either scared of the work or the responsibility or just plain scared that I’d fuck it up somehow, which is the common thread in everything and all of this. Predictable Zero. I know.

Lately it’s been the kind of irrational fear that keeps me from writing cover letters effectively—the words that so often appear in abundance when I’m singing the praises of some Jeunet film or ten-second passage on a Full of Hell album completely dissolve in the face of the cold hard fact of me having to tell someone why I’m the best person to do x, y, or z. Even if I actually think I’m the person for the job, those things are so subjective that I find myself completely crippled by the prospect of having to explain why. It’s hard, and it breaks and wears me down more and more over the years.

I consider myself fortunate, of course, that I’ve never had to face anything with the threat of looming obliteration. I’ve dealt with challenging situations, to be sure, but the stakes were almost always fairly low, with some kind of “out” in case I think too hard (or not enough, conversely) about it and lose my nerve.

I’d like to think it’s the absence of control I fear right now, but the truth is I’m just frustrated with myself that I didn’t get out of Iowa when I thought to and that I’m worried what I’m doing, or what I’ve done, or what happens as a result of what I do or don’t do has any impact on someone’s life or happiness. It’s not the staying in Iowa that I fear so much anymore—I can deal with it, especially knowing I am with someone that is as attached to the place as I am (spiritually, but not necessarily practically). It’s the consequences of my being so happy, oddly enough, happy with that person.

And the things that come with that happiness have things that come with them.

And so I’m afraid.

Time’s up.