Archive for August, 2013

Five Actors Zero Would Rather See Play Batman.

Posted in best of lists with tags , on August 24, 2013 by darryl zero

I’m serious when I say this–

no offense to Ben Affleck.


He’s obviously a very good director, and an acceptable screenwriter (although I’ll always maintain Good Will Hunting was wack), but none of that excuses the fact that he’s always been the bro-iest of bro actors.  He can do comedy, albeit with a limited range, but stick him in anything requiring him to be convincing and he just flounders in the presence of charismatic performers.

Oh, and there’s this bullshit:

Even ignoring Daredevilthough, my main beef is that there are so many different directions in which Hollywood could have gone.  I suppose I should be glad they didn’t go after yet another English actor to play an American character, but is Hack Snyder really that desperate for some kind of box office guarantee (yeah, Man of Steel didn’t flop, but even its positive-ish reviews were ambivalent at best, and it wasn’t the world-killing super-mega-beast that WB wanted it to be) that they grasped at the first big name they found?

Eff that.  Because I clearly know better than Hollywood (hey, I’m nothing if not self-aware), I’ll offer you five solid choices that would have been a better choice than Affleck.

1) Wes Bentley

This one’s kind of a “eh, maybe” kinda pick, mostly because he’s not as much of a physical specimen as some of the other guys here (he’s shorter, for one–only about 5’11”), but Bentley has the dramatic range, the ability to play weird-on-the-verge-of-crazy, and the “smoldering beneath this face are layers and layers of layers” necessary to pull off Batman.  Oh, and he’s not afraid to do comic-book films (see Ghost Rider…on second thought, don’t).

Why he’s a good choice: he’s never been far from the limelight since he stole American Beauty from his more esteemed co-stars, but hasn’t taken off in a way that would make him outshine Cavill or anyone else in a Superman/Batman film.  That and he’d be cheap.

Oh, and I’m not the only person who thinks he’d be a good idea; Christopher Nolan, a guy who knows a few things about making Batman movies, thought so, too.

Why it might not be such a good idea: while definitely tall enough by Hollywood standards, at 5’11’, he doesn’t exactly create a formidable enough figure to go toe-to-toe with people, let alone the Man of Steel.  Also, he has yet to prove he’s capable of doing any role that requires the type of physicality Batman demands.

2) Ryan Hurst

Why he’s a good choice: he’s been a charming, charismatic figure on TV’s Sons of Anarchy, capable of conveying ‘tormented’ without going too hammy.  He’s a formidable, athletic actor with a great voice–and, again, like Bentley, someone people will recognize without it being too distracting.  He can do the physical part of the role, and carry the dramatic angle.

Why it might not be such a good idea:  first–and most obviously–at 6’4″, Hurst is a solid three inches taller than Henry Cavill (and an inch-and-a-half taller than Batman is canonically supposed to be).  He could conceivably play an ‘older’ Batman/Bruce Wayne, but he’s just too massive–he’d completely overshadow Cavill.  For that matter, while not an ugly man by any stretch of the imagination, Hurst isn’t a pretty boy, something Bruce Wayne needs to be.  He could pull off the role, but it’d be a stretch.

3) Tahmoh Penikett

Why he’s a good choice: tall, but not too tall–good-looking, but not too-good-looking, physical and adaptable, charismatic and charming yet subtle and versatile–Penikett’s got it all from a technical standpoint.  He carries all kinds of nerd cred (Dollhouse and Battlestar: Galactica fans would freak out) and wouldn’t steal the show from Cavill, but could definitely stand toe-to-toe with him as an equal.

Why it might not be such a good idea: well, for starters, Penikett was already in Man of Steel.  (Oops.  This is what I get for boycotting Zack Snyder.)  Second–while he’s definitely an icon to those in the know, absolutely no one else would know who the fuck he is–and it wouldn’t be like there’s a mainstream smash hit TV show to turn to for proof.

4) Josh Hartnett

Why he’s a good choice: if you’d have asked me this question years ago, I’d have laughed you the fuck out of town.  Hartnett was a pretty boy, pure-and-simple; the actor equivalent of Trip Fontaine

And then I saw this:

and I was like–“yeah, okay.  I’d buy it.”  Tall, menacing, and downright lithe, Hartnett can do the physicality, although he’d need to go full-on method like Bale in order to really become the Bat.  He’s got Bruce Wayne fuckin’ down, though, which I’d really love to see.

Why it might not be such a good idea: while Hartnett’s got the star power, the talent, and the physicality to successfully do Batman, he’s always sort-of kept himself away from the spotlight, preferring ensemble pieces and seemingly accepting high-profile starring roles almost as if his agent twisted his arm.  As the sole bright spot of Pearl Harbor, he…oh, fuck.  He was in that, wasn’t he?

5) Billy Zane

Why he’s a good choice: where do we start?  Um–well, since the current thinking is that the Batman in the films would need to be an established, older, Dark Knight Returns-esque age Batman, Zane–47 years old and still in great shape–is pretty much the only fucking choice.  He’s good-looking, he’s tall, he’s mean, he’s sexy–and, unlike most of the other people on this list, he’s actually a practicing martial artist.  He’s been the only choice for Batman for years.

Why it might not be such a good idea: can’t think of one.  Sorry.  Seriously–just watch this and tell me I’m wrong.


Dear White People:

Posted in race with tags on August 17, 2013 by darryl zero

When you say shit like “oh, race doesn’t matter as much anymore–white people with [tattoos/non-heteronormative gendersexual identity/insert other non-readily-apparent thing white people trot out when they try to say race doesn’t matter] face just as much discrimination as ‘African-Americans’,” I don’t fucking believe you.

Because I could be wearing a shirt that says “Sorry, Girls–I’m Gay” and bright pink Converse All-Stars, sipping from a coffee mug that says “Portland Fucking Oregon” in the middle of Des Moines, Iowa with my tattooed right arm in full view, and all you fucking people do is bother me about my fucking hair.

The fact that the only things you people (yes, you people–being generalized really sucks, doesn’t it?) notice about me (skin tone/hair) are the things that clearly mark me as “different from you” makes you so wrong, I want to punch you all in your condescending, liberal-inasmuch-as-it-keeps-the-darkies-exotic-and-not-normal fucking faces whenever you try to pull that bullshit on me.

Mundane glimpses at the world-of-Zero.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 2, 2013 by darryl zero

-I find myself completely disinterested in both my job and my workout routine lately. I still get some kind of satisfaction out of exercise, but the job does absolutely nothing save for pay me.

-there’s a dude in the news here for having sex with one of his students . He’s a fucking middle school teacher. Bastards like that are why it’s so hard for me to get a job in this country.

-I really don’t want to work today. I would call in sick but for the fact that I have Monday off.

-I keep wanting to talk about my relationship here. But I don’t want to jinx it.


Posted in Uncategorized on August 1, 2013 by darryl zero


Twenty-Five. There are many things about this picture that make me sad, but the one that comes to mind right now is that, in this picture, he is younger than I am right now.