old. (from december 2007)

when all is said and done, i think of every time her tears glistened in the light every time we fought, and i still want to cut myself into little pieces and bleed every last fucking drop out of my veins and make everything perfect for her. i keep her far away because i will always want to be perfect for her when she is near, i will always hate the fact that i am not what she wants/wanted me to be, i will remember that i probably will always love her with the same dedication that makes me cry whenever i drop the fucking wall for a second and actually think about how beautiful it was to look at her sleeping face in the silvery winter daylight.

i have no fucking clue how i will ever reclaim that piece of me.

this will pass, eventually, but in this fucking instant, much of me wants to be near her again, and knowing this, combined with the knowledge that she hates me, is ripping to fucking shreds.

as much as i am over the quixotic notion that we could ever work out, i am nonetheless unable to shake a habit i built over the last three years, loving someone i couldn’t possibly ever have, someone who couldn’t give herself to me until she had completely destroyed me and made me useless, and it is that habit’s footprint on my heart that makes me feel like this.

still, i miss her so much.


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