Archive for April, 2011

hm.

Posted in emo on April 11, 2011 by darryl zero

One of my favorite musical moments is that moment in the first verse of Death Cab For Cutie’s “Blacking Out The Friction,” when John Vanderslice’s lower harmony kicks in. I spent a lot of time listening to that song in the spring of 2002, six months or so after it came out, when I was moving from Iowa to Seattle and wondering why I was doing it, why I was doing it with the person I was doing it with–so, to hear “I think that it’s brainless/to assume that making changes/to your window’s view will give a new perspective” added an uncomfortable eeriness to what I was doing.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who either reads my babblings or knows me in person that making grand life decisions is a difficult thing for me. My fear of failure knows no bounds, and even now, at thirty years of age and well past the age in which I have the time or energy to deal with fear (or failure, for that matter), I’m letting it give me pause. Not all the time, fortunately, but now, when I’m diminished by exhaustion and exasperation, I’m lost in thought, and the thought bubbles to the surface–I’m losing myself here.

And, yet, what is there to lose?

The time I’ve spent over the years cultivating the persona of “nice, trustworthy” Darryl–and, to be fair, some of the time I’ve spent building that persona has been self-serving–has finally borne the most interesting of fruits. I’ve got myself more together emotionally than I’ve ever been, well, ever–but completely incapable of doing the other things that make life more tolerable for, well, adults.

I think that’s something worth repeating–I’m actually more with it and together than I project to just about everyone–and even the ups and downs intrinsic to my mental state have more to do with the external aspects of my situation than anything going down inside the ol’ gulliver. I’m still confused, and still have no idea how to solve anything, which is a debilitating weakness, for sure–but, much to my surprise, I think my shit, at least that of the internal variety, is actually pretty together.

Coming to that bizarre realization amidst my current situation is frustrating, but somewhat amusing as well–which brings me back to the GET THE FUCK OUT feeling I’ve been…feeling, lately.

Damn.

Not entirely sure what to do about all of this. I’m thinking I should sleep on any drastic decisions–which means I may actually form a coherent thought on the subject by Thursday.